An Internet discovers the profound concept of "talking to neighbors," but makes sure to post about it on a blog. The resulting community (business model: "Uber for sitting on your porch") becomes the subject of a breathless essay about the revolutionary power of saying "hello" to people you live near. Hackernews, a demographic notorious for their social prowess, immediately devolves into a debate about whether suburbs or cities are better for human interaction. The thread quickly spirals into a discussion of Nextdoor (business model: "Uber for racism"), with dozens of anecdotes confirming that the app is where normal people go to transform into paranoid busybodies. Multiple Hackernews express shock at discovering their neighbors aren't the idealized NPCs they imagined, while others suggest the real community-building solution is avoiding anyone who posts online—a strategy they inexplicably fail to apply to themselves.

OpenAI introduces yet another image generation model (business model: "Uber for slow JPEGs") that takes a full 30 seconds to render a single image. Sam Altman, ever the spin doctor, assures everyone this glacial pace is actually a feature, not a bug. Hackernews immediately splits into warring factions: those complaining about speed, those defending the quality-over-speed approach, and those who simply must inform everyone about Google's supposedly superior offerings. One Hackernews waxes philosophical about how we've all become too entitled about technology that didn't exist two years ago, apparently forgetting that Moore's Law is the only religion that matters in Silicon Valley. Meanwhile, another faction debates whether the model is actually generating images token-by-token or if the loading animation is just performative webshit, proving once again that nothing brings out pedantry like watching paint pixels dry.

Google announces a new AI model with the most adjectives ever seen. Gemini 2.5 (business model: "Uber for benchmarks") promises to outperform all competitors, as long as you carefully select which competitors to compare against. Hackernews immediately notices that Google conveniently excluded OpenAI's o1 model from their benchmark charts, presumably because comparing against it would have required acknowledging someone else's superiority. The comments devolve into debates about versioning semantics, with some users arguing that the ".5" designation is merely expectation management for an update not worthy of a full version bump. Others lament the lack of semantic versioning in an industry where version numbers are purely marketing fabrications. The most exciting feature appears to be that Google will finally allow users to pay money to use their product, which Hackernews considers a revolutionary concept.

Some programmers use a language named after a toxic substance to make sure that football games can be seen in high definition. Hackernews, as usual, immediately diverts the discussion to their own pet topics, demonstrating that they know very important technical terms that the unwashed masses don't. One Hackernews helpfully explains that video professionals use a secret language to keep the riffraff out, while another suggests that understanding video engineering is a waste of time unless you're planning to spend the GDP of a small nation on camera equipment. The actual developers show up to explain their technology choices, but nobody cares because they're too busy arguing about the philosophical implications of programming language capabilities and whether immutability is a silver bullet or just regular magic. The thread eventually devolves into debates about MQTT versus NATS, because if there's one thing more important than understanding how the Super Bowl is broadcast, it's bikeshedding about message queues.

An Internet ranks the popularity of various blogs on "Hacker" "News", creating yet another popularity contest for programmers to validate their digital existence. Hackernews immediately begins searching for their own blogs, only to discover they're nowhere near the top, triggering a wave of existential consolation. The list's creator, in true webshit fashion, used an LLM to generate author bios, resulting in security researchers who aren't security researchers and developers who aren't developers. Several Hackernews proudly announce their rankings as if they've won Olympic medals, while others demand the author fix their incorrect descriptions. The most delicious irony: the tool's creator's own blog ranks suspiciously high. One Hackernews helpfully points out this resembles Elon Musk's X algorithm, but everyone's too busy counting their internet points to notice.