An Internet reminisces about the academic tradition of drawing exponential curves through random noise and calling it physics. The twenty-year-old rant about germanium band structure receives the reverent treatment normally reserved for the first time a teenager discovers Feynman. Hackernews collectively nods in solemn understanding despite most having never touched a soldering iron, let alone attempted to attach one to a semiconductor crystal. Several commenters rush to point out that the author eventually escaped the poverty and celibacy of experimental physics by becoming a Google engineer, thus confirming the natural order of the Silicon Valley ecosystem. Others wax philosophical about the noble suffering inherent to scientific research, apparently forgetting that the entire point of the article was that the author's professor was full of shit.

A code breaker dies, and Hackernews mourns the loss of the Greatest Generation while simultaneously ignoring that the Greatest Generation also forgot the lessons of their ancestors. Hackernews helpfully provides extensive quotes from Solzhenitsyn, because nothing says "I understand history" like quoting a Russian dissident in a thread about a British codebreaker. The comment section devolves into a predictable debate about whether Allied war crimes cancel out Nazi atrocities, with various Internet historians explaining how they would have won World War II more ethically. Several Hackernews engage in the time-honored tradition of planning museum visits in the comments, complete with detailed itineraries that somehow evolve into a discussion of London bus museums, proving once again that any thread on this site will eventually drift toward public transportation.

An Internet obsesses over a language whose primary feature is that it's not C#. Hackernews, whose collective personality is defined by language zealotry, gushes over F# with the unhinged enthusiasm of cultists. One Hackernews declares that those who don't appreciate F# are "dead to me," perfectly capturing the reasonable discourse that defines programming language discussions. Others wax poetic about the pipe operator as if it were the second coming of Christ. The thread predictably devolves into the traditional Microsoft trust debate, with one user insisting they'll never let Microsoft code touch their precious Linux boxes, apparently unaware that Redmond has been committed to the kernel for years. Meanwhile, several Hackernews helpfully point out that C# has stolen all of F#'s good ideas anyway, rendering the entire discussion moot, but that doesn't stop the functional programming fanatics from insisting their obscure language with the popularity of COBOL at a JavaScript conference is actually the future of computing.

An Internet with a death wish cobbles together a homemade power storage system from discarded laptop batteries. Hackernews, a community whose collective anxiety would power a small city if properly harnessed, immediately launches into detailed speculation about the various ways this contraption will inevitably burst into flames. The builder has thoughtfully placed his potential inferno in a shed 50 meters from his house, which some Hackernews consider adequate while others calculate optimal ember trajectories in a stiff breeze. Several commenters helpfully explain that lithium fires are essentially unstoppable once started, creating a cozy backdrop for the DIY enthusiast's pursuit of energy independence. One pragmatic Hackernews notes that the infamous Samsung Note 7 had a mere 0.003% explosion rate, suggesting we should all be more comfortable sleeping above improvised battery arrays assembled in someone's garage.

Some physicists (business model: "Uber for protons") claim to have found quantum entanglement in sheep, causing Hackernews to bleat with frustration at yet another April Fools joke. While some commenters lament the death of humor in our cruel and tragic times, others dive headfirst into elaborate puns about "baa-ket notation" and "indistinguishable baa-tickles." One Hackernews complains that nothing interesting has happened in theoretical physics for 50 years, prompting others to frantically post Wikipedia links proving otherwise. Meanwhile, a disgruntled user abandons their VPN provider for the cardinal sin of sending a fake security breach notification, thus confirming that Hackernews remains the internet's premier repository of individuals who would report a clown to HR for unprofessional conduct.